So I'm at this place now where I feel like everything is resetting. Everything. My mind, my body, my spirit, my karma.
I feel like, for the first time in a really long time... decades.... I'm coming home. I'm remembering who I really am. I feel safe just being me. It's the me before I started believing I needed to hide from others behind the "always happy, fun, everything's ok" mask. Before I was convinced that people would only love me if I was performing in some way to please them. Before I believed that I was missing something or just needed to be different... better.
As I write this, I'm asking myself if this is actually going to resonate with anyone else and then I remember, it doesn't matter. Me trying to find the right words or topic or whatever isn't honoring me and the message that's coming through me and so it simply doesn't matter. What does it matter if I say the "right" words to only lose my true voice in the process? I've done that. It's heavy and you don't even realize its weight. I'm realizing it now on a much deeper level.
I'm in a space that I haven't experienced probably since I was 5.
Just being my true self, with my true thoughts, true desires. No longer criticizing my message. Just doing what I love to do - speak, share, interact. Whoever this helps is who it's meant to help and I'm leaving it at that because it is enough. I am enough.
I am enough. Wow.. do I really get that now.
Me. Right now. As I am. Quiet. Serene. Still. Not trying. I am enough.
And it's all fine. I'm supported in just being me. I'm loved in just being me. All things come to me by just being me.
Is life even easier than I previously thought?
I've never felt so still before.
I'm resetting on every level; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm fasting - which has been such a catalyst for this resetting process. I'm deliberately more mindful, I'm releasing thoughts about an ex, releasing thoughts about what's next, what I should do, fears, doubts. Done. Shut Down. Restart.
Last Saturday, it hit me in a new way. Last Saturday I went to see my sister's band play. Usually, the experience of going out is stressful to me. Mostly because I fuss over my outfit, my hair, my makeup, do I look good enough, are my friends going to be there, who's going to talk to me???
But not last Saturday. Last Saturday, I really started tuning in. Last Saturday, I decided I really didn't care what happened, who was there, etc. My SOLE intention was to feel good in my skin, to enjoy the music, and just go there to relax, be at ease, and have fun. I was deliberate about tuning into myself throughout the night and asking, 'how do you feel, Madeline?" and each time, it was like, "I'm good. I'm happy. I'm here, enjoying the music. Ahhhh."
I was tested though. There was one part of the night where I was just dancing by myself, listening to the music, and some guy comes to dance next to me. I thought, "oh cool." I continue to stay in my zone, dancing, and next thing I know, these two girls come around to the guy and begin to, very aggressively imo, grind up on him. It was aggressive and weird, like the kind of dancing where it looks more like work than it does fun. You know what I mean? LOL
Obviously, it was an attempt to snag this guy's attention and bump me out of the way.
I seriously did not care. I released the need to react or get at all tied into that situation.
All I remember thinking was, "Man... that sucks to have to feel like you have to work so hard to get some guy's attention. That can't feel good."
And I went back into my own world. Madeline world. Smiling, dancing, having a really good time. Feeling so at ease. Honestly, it was probably one of the best times I have ever had at show only because I was just so at ease with myself. I have never felt so at ease before. "This is it. This is me. This is alignment," I remember thinking.
I wasn't trying to get turned up.
I wasn't trying to be all crazy.
I was just floating the whole night.
I woke up the next morning with this lovely memory of being 10 years old, lying in bed, and hearing my mom sing in the kitchen downstairs. I felt so happy, I cried. "I'm coming back home," I remember thinking. I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's me. I'm here. I didn't even realize how much peace I could feel until I felt it.
Everything is resetting. Mind, body, and soul. I think my intermittent fasting is helping with this. It all goes together, right?
Just being. Not trying. Trusting. Not fearing. Full and deep acceptance.
Sometimes it takes losing things; certain foods, people, clutter, to find yourself.
It's worth it.